Live Each Moment

"Live everyday like its your last"

"We do not remember days, we remember moments"

This past few days I went to California to visit my paternal grandpa. He had a stroke back in December and has been in and out of consciousness. Seeing my grandpa laying there in the hospital bed, I almost didn't recognize him. Part of me was in denial. This couldn't be my grandpa hooked up to all of these tubes and beeping machinery. The grandpa I know was loud and obnoxious. He said whatever on his mind and does funny things like scratch his armpit while screaming "earthquake". Or tell my cousin's boyfriends to go home. I felt a mix of emotions ranging from guilt, anger, and sadness. I suddenly had a laundry list of should'ves would'ves and could'ves. I should have spent more time with him when I visited California. I could've called and talk to him every once in a while. I would do anything to rewind time. My heart ached for the man I hardly knew but felt so close to. I think about the moments that we have shared...My grandpa is the reason I love mushrooms. He made fun of me before I could talk calling me "mute child" and then would tell me to stop talking once I learned how. He taught me how to talk. He chased me around and fed me. When I look at my grandpa, I see my childhood caretaker. Beside the occasional family get-togethers where he just likes to sit and laugh at the grandchildren, my interaction with my grandpa was limited to what I remembered as a 3 year old.

The things I feel have been keeping me awake. I've naively believed that my loved ones will always be there. I understood that my grandparents are getting older... but how could they possibly not be there? How am I so stupid to let the final moments just pass by? How could I have let 20 years pass without a single one-on-one interaction with my grandpa?

My cousin and I stayed up one night talking all of our thoughts and feelings out. She said it's just how life is. People pass but new people come into our lives. In the past 3 years that I haven't been to California, I gained 3 new baby cousins from 1 -3 years old. Allison was born the day my grandma was buried. The cycle of life she says. I want to have my baby cousins and I want to have my grandparents. I don't want to say goodbye.